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late nights and bloodshot eyes.
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| Saturday, February 18th, 2006 |
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My CD burner has been all sorts of fucked up these days and it's a bummer. Making mixes is one of my favorite things to do and I really haven't been able to make any lately because my burner has been actin' a fool. Today, inspiration struck while I was driving home from the rez. I decided to give it a whirl when I got home. To my amazement, the burner was behaving and I was actually able to churn out a pretty rockin' mix. Of course, it got fucked up a bit and I had to take a few songs off because my CD-ROM drive apparently hates me and wouldn't read some of the disks. Oh well, overall I'm satisfied with the final outcome though I do think it's about time to get a new CD-ROM drive. Here's the track list, because I need to write it down somewhere. Why not here? "Wasted Days and Smiles" - A Punk Rock Mix CD 1. Grey Area - The Machine 2. Marathon - Bombs Make Lousy Tourniquets 3. Crime In Stereo - Long Song Titles Aren't Cool Anymore Because the Rest Of You Fuckers Are No Good At It. 4. Set Your Goals - Goonies Never Say Die! 5. The Shook Ones - Bellingham Lads Club 6. New Mexican Disaster Squad - Tightrope 7. Western Addiction - Mailer, Meet Jim 8. Propagandhi - The Bringer Of Greater Things 9. The Lawrence Arms - Intransit 10. The Cardinal Sin - Where We Shine 11. Chris McCaughan - The Sea Of Lights 12. Latterman - This Project Is Stagnant (Get It Out Of My Face) 13. Polar Bear Club - Resent and Resistance 14. The Explosion - Outbound Line 15. Lagwagon - The Contortionist 16. Millencolin - Biftek Supernova 17. Useless ID - No Time For Me To Be a Teenager 18. Armalite - Entitled 19. The Smoking Popes - Just Broke Up 20. Alkaline Trio - Queen Of Pain |
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| Thursday, February 16th, 2006 |
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Well, it's 3 in the morning and I'm here, updating this thing. It's been a while since my last update. Forgive me, I've been a busy dude now that the semester is in full swing. A lot has changed since the last time I wrote in here. Ok, well actually nothing has really changed all that much but my feelings are most definitely different now as opposed to a few weeks ago. Things with Amy have more or less disinigrated once again. She has done a wonderful job of dropping off of the face of the earth. I haven't heard from her in a while now. I've tried to text her, I've e-mailed her, I tried to call her and I left her messages. I've given up on doing anything because it hasn't worked. It really bummed me out and upset me for a few weeks, but now I'm just feeling bitter about the entire thing. I have no idea what goes through that girl's head and I probably never will. She sends me the occasional Myspace comment and that's about it. I mailed her that poem I wrote, along with a letter and a few bottles of Frank's Red Hot sauce. She didn't even acknowledge the poem or the letter, all I got was a simple "thanks for the hot sauce." I pour my heart out to her and it goes unnoticed, so what else can I do? I'm left feeling like the thing to do anymore is just say fuck it and move forward. There is a girl named Amanda who I'm totally retarded over. She's 18 and she goes to college at Canisus. She is friends with my friend Norelle. This girl is absolutely fucking adorable and she's really easy to talk to. I've been talking to her for less than a month and I feel like I've known this girl for years. We talk about our personal issues and problems like we're old friends. We usually spend hours chatting online and texting each other randomly during the day. Of course, she's originally from Maryland and she's only her for school. She has an ex-boyfriend/best friend back home and she's in the midst of dealing with tons of issues with him. He's supposedly coming here to visit her soon and whatnot. It sucks. I find myself developing these ridiculous crushes on girls like Amanda, who I barely know at all. I cannot help but feel intruiged by her though. She's young, super cute, easy to talk to and involved with someone else. Maybe I'm just really fucking desperate right now and I'm reaching for anything to cling to. It makes sense to me. I don't know. I've been a cranky, miserable, irritable jerk for the better part of the last month. It's not just related to my love life, or lack thereof, but life in general is just stressful and tiring these days. I have to get on track and snap out of this damn funk I've been in or else the next few months are not going to be very much fun at all. Anyways. I'll stop rambling. I need sleep. |
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| Friday, January 27th, 2006 |
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I really don't have anything interesting to talk about right now, but I'm bored. My final full semester at college is underway and that has been a decent time thus far. It has been a little hectic, books cost a ton of money, but other than that it feels good to get back into the swing of things. It's nice to be busy and not really have a ton of time to sit around and think about things, especially things with a certain girl on the West coast. My mind has been occupied a whole shitload of other things lately, including all of the crap I've been writing for the newspaper and the stuff I've been working on for Aural Minority. That doesn't even include all of the reading and homework I've had to do. It's refreshing to dwell on something besides missing her so damn much. But of course, as soon as all of that crap is done and it's 2:30 in the morning and I have nothing else to think about, my thoughts revert right back to all of that nonsense. Anyways, new subject. I'm really trying to start a band up with a few of my buddies from work. I've been slowly turning them on to some good punk and hardcore bands and they are really getting into them. We keep talking about it, but we need to fucking do it. I already thought of a sweet name and everything. Plus I have a bunch of really bad poems and crap that I've written over the years that I could easily make into lyrics. I've actually written a few lyrics over the past few days as well. I don't know, I've always wanted to have a band and right now the potential for it to finally fucking happen is probably as good as it's ever been. The one kid, Jesse, is a really awesome guitarist too. He used to play in this really lame pop-punk kinda band called The Testament but now he definitely wants to play in a more aggressive band, though knowing us we'll probably have a little bit of a poppy element as well because that is more or less everyone's background. As hardcore as I pretend to be, I still listen to New Found Glory and Saves The Day way too often, and a bunch of the stuff that I've already written is about girls, relationships and all that junk. And that's about all I have to ramble about. Later folks. |
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| Thursday, January 19th, 2006 |
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There's a difference between fucking and making love. I know it's pretty lame, but it's true. I re-discovered this difference a week ago tonight, at about this same time actually, when I was in East Palo Alto visiting Amy. As corny and fucked up as it sounds, when we have sex it's so much different than it has been with any other girl. Like I said, a week ago tonight we were hanging out, drinking some Rum and Coke, just shooting the shit and catching up on everything when things just sort of happened. I'm not sure if it was the old "one thing lead to another" type thing or not, but we wound up making love and it was pretty much everything I remembered. There's just something about her that is unlike anything I've ever experienced with any other girl. It's gentle. It's romantic. It's tender and we know how to communicate what feels right to each other. She knows what I like and I'd like to think it's a vise versa thing. I actually truly care about making her feel incredible when we're doing it. Not that I don't strive to get off the other girls I've been with, but it's just not the same. I treat them differently. Not badly, but just not the way I treat her. It's hard to explain. I really never even noticed so much until things went down last week and it got me thinking about what I'm rambling about now. She is also the only girl I really ever hold onto during the night. When other girls would sleep over, we'd wind up cuddling for a little while but once I wanted to sleep, I'd roll over and try to keep some distance. I usually don't like being touched in my sleep, I can't remember the last girl I actually held onto all night long aside from Amy. We slept together two nights in a row during my trip and it was the safest and most comfortable I've felt while sleeping in some time. Of course, I've been back home since Saturday and sleeping alone has become nearly impossible. While we were making love, she said something really strange to me. She said "someday we're going to get married." She also told me that someday she was going to have my babies, definitely not something I wanted to hear during sex but whatever. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that we were both drunk, but those words have been stuck in my mind for days now and I can't get past them. I wonder if she really meant it. I wonder if she even remembers saying it. I wonder if she realizes how much it's all impacted me. The thing is, I would marry her. I can say that with 100% confidence. I've dated my fair share of girls. I've had enough sexual experience to know that she is the only one I truly want to be with. The whole her being on the other side of the country puts a dent in all of this, but the bottom line is that as much as I've tried to put her behind me over the last year and a half, I've failed quite miserably. She still feels something for me, though I'm not really certain what it is and I'll probably have to wait a while to find out because she's never been one to completely express her emotions and feelings. I just know that I have so much love in my heart for her and I would spend the rest of my life with her if given the chance to do so. Love, it's a motherfucker. |
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| Monday, January 16th, 2006 |
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 "there she goes" i left my heart in san francisco well, actually east palo alto there's this pain in my gut that i fear i won't erase until the next time i see your face because when i think of santa cruz i'm always going to think of you and all of the stupid things we do getting lost while driving around wandering aimless through each new town i'll never forget crossing the golden gate or walking up and down shattuck and haight magnestism constantly bumping shoulders sleeping while you steal the covers and how it felt to taste your lips after all this time feeling just like i did when you were mine wrapping my arms around you all night long i hate the fact that now i'm gone and you feel like a million miles away i can't stop living in yesterday these words will never do my feelings justice i'll always want me and you to be us. |
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| Monday, January 9th, 2006 |
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I finally got to see "Hostel" after waiting a few more days than planned. Most of the complaints I've heard about it from other people revolve around the same basic things; too many boobies, not as gory as expected and the story could've been fleshed out a bit more. I'll agree that the story could've been fleshed out a little more, but I don't really think that it hurt the film at all. The boobs may have been excessive, but the movie is about dudes who go on a trip to Europe and one of their main goals to have a buncha sex with exotic women so it's pretty much expected. Also, I kind of think that all of the tits in the first hour starkly contrasted all of the grossness in the second hour. It's like a total contrast of beauty vs. ugliness. Or else I'm just reading way to deeply into things. And for those who think it wasn't gory enough, I really wonder what you expected from a movie with an "R" rating. I thought they pushed the limits quite a bit and I was satisfied with the amount of gore that the MPAA allowed them to get away with. I'm not really going to get into the story because I don't want to give anything away to those interested in going to see it, but I will say that it's a well thought out story and it has a satisfying ending. Not the best horror movie ever, but definitely the best I've seen in theatres in quite a while. I'm going to California in two days. I talked to Amy earlier. I'm really nervous about this entire thing. OK. I'm not so much nervous as I am uneasy. I don't know how I'm going to react to seeing her again after a year and a half. Especially considering that the last time I saw her, things were way different than they are now and we were far more, ummm, physical I suppose would be a good way to say it. So it could be kind of weird seeing her a year and a half later, knowing that things have changed a ton and there are boundaries now that didn't exist before and blah blah blah blah. I'm just over-thinking and making this way more complicated than it has to be. I tend to do that. I just already know that when I'm hanging out with her, I'm going to want to hug and kiss her and cuddle and stay up all night talking about stupid crap and yeah I'll even want to make love to her and as much as I try to deny it there is no way for me to not feel those urges when she's around. It also doesn't help that all of my friends keep teasing me about it, those bastards. Bah. I'm just rambling. Nevermind me. |
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| Wednesday, January 4th, 2006 |
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First thing: I got bored today and made a profile on Tardcore. Check it out. Second thing: I cannot fucking wait until Friday to see this movie.  I've been waiting forever for "Hostel" to come out. Ever since I first found out that Eli Roth, the dude behind "Cabin Fever" (probably my favorite horror flick of the past 5 years) was making it. Since that point, my anticipation has only increased with every new production photo, every teaser and every trailer I've seen. The fact that Quentin Tarantino put his name on it, although pretty cool because it'll draw the people in, means next to nothing to me. It was supposed to come out in December, the 21st I believe, but it ended up getting pushed back a few weeks for whatever reason. Probably because people are freaking out about how gory and twisted it's supposed to be. You can bet your sweet ass that come Friday at midnight, I'll be sitting at the theatre watching in joy as the madness ensues. |
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| Tuesday, January 3rd, 2006 |
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I've watched so much fucking television today. My brain feels like absolute mush right now from spending an entire day sitting on the couch, spaced out in front of the TV. It was one of those sick days where I didn't feel like getting up and doing anything. I didn't have to work. I just sat there and zoned out on that screen for hours and hours, watching nothing in particular. I think that's the worst part about it. I flipped channels for hours, I don't really even recall making it all the way through one entire show without changing the channel and forgetting what I was watching in the first place. I can't even say that I was high, unless you count the cold medication I took this afternoon, but I don't think that really does the trick. In other news, I'm going to San Francisco next week. I'm going to visit Amy. If you've ever read my older deadjournal entries, I'm sure you know who she is. If not, I don't suggest going back to read them unless you really want to read some terribly depressing ramblings by a completely lovesick fool. But anyways, needless to say I'm excited about going all the way across the country for a few days, it should be one interesting experience. It will be nice to get the fuck out of the cold and dreary Buffalo winter for a few days as well. Even though San Fran isn't paradise, I'll gladly take in a few days of 60 degree weather instead of this damn freezing, windy, snowy, cold shit that I have to deal with now. And the best part of the trip? It's absolutely free. Her mom works for Jet Blue and she's hooking me up with a free flight. I'll be staying at Amy's place so I won't have to pay for a hotel or anything like that. I'm going all the way to California and staying 3 days for free. I don't know how the fuck I pulled that one off. Though I can't lie, this whole trip is also scaring the shit out of me. I haven't seen Amy since the summer of 2004. We're talking like a year and a half here. I'm not sure if I've even managed to fully put it all behind me, but I think I've done a decent job. I know for sure that I still haven't found a girl that makes me feel the way that she made me feel. The few relationships and encouters that I've had since her have been terrible and there has been little to no emotional effort put forth on my part. There's a part of me that thinks I'll never be able to feel the way I felt about her again, unless of course I'm feeling that way about her. Ugh, I'm starting to ramble on here. The bottom line of it all is that I'm just a tad bit scared that I'm going to see this girl for the first time in a year and a half, and the entire year and a half that I've spent trying to work her out of my system is going to just fall apart. Regardless of what happens when I'm there, and I'm not even getting into speculation about that sort of thing, I fear that I'm going to be that completely lovesick fool when I get back to Buffalo. Anyways, I'm going to watch "Dead and Breakfast" now. I love zombies. |
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| Wednesday, December 28th, 2005 |
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I hope everyone got everything they wanted for Christmas. Mine was pretty good. I finally got an awesome coffee table for the basement. I've wanted one since I moved down there last year. Now the basement is pretty much complete and it totally rules down there. The coffee table that I got is way huge and far nicer than I ever could've imagined, my folks truly hooked me up. What else did I get? Nothing incredibly exciting or suprising. Since my parents don't really know what I have and don't have, especially when it comes to movies, music and books, they just let me do a little shopping for myself with the credit card. I went on Amazon.com last month and bought a few books and movies, it was nice to finally get my hands on those. In case you're wondering, I picked up Halloween (the sweet 25th anniversary 2-disc edition) and Halloween II. They are the only two in the series worth owning, except for maybe Halloween: Resurrection, but that's only worth it for the "so bad it's good" factor, because you can't really go wrong with Busta Rhymes staring down Michael Myers and exclaiming "TRICK OR TREAT MOTHERFUCKER!!" I also picked up Star Wars: Clone Wars - Volume 1, which is a DVD collection of the first series of cartoons from Cartoon Network. Amazingly, I'd never seen these cartoons and I don't know how the heck I missed out on them the first time around. They are so good. In fact, I enjoyed them so much that today I went out to the store and used some of my extra Christmas cash to pick up the 2nd and final volume. In other Star Wars related Christmas gift news, I also got Star Wars Battlefront II for the Playstation 2 from my folks, which I've spent many hours playing already. It's so much better than the first game and that's saying a lot. And finally, for the "Secret Santa" at work, this dude Billy bought me two radical Star Wars posters that now adorn the walls of my basement. Well, one technically adorns my bedroom door because it's a huge door sized Darth Vadar poster. All of this further confirms the already existing belief that I will never have sex again. My brother Joe got me the special edition (with flair!) DVD for Office Space, a movie which I somehow never got on my own. I rank it in my top 10 list of funniest movies ever. I've yet to watch the special features on it but they look interesting and I'm pretty much a sucker for any DVD that comes with making-of featurettes. My brother Dan got me the fourth trade paperback in "The Walking Dead" series from Image Comics. Actually, he gave me money and I went and bought it myself and then gave it to him so he could wrap it up and give it back to me on Christmas. We're weird like that. It's probably the best non-superhero comic series going now and I am stupid for only collecting the trade paperbacks instead of picking it up monthly, but then again I have enough on my monthly list in the first place. I've yet to find the time to read it but I plan on doing so in the next day or two. In other zombie related gift news, I got "The Zombie Survival Guide," which is an incredibly funny book written by Max Brooks. My nose has been buried inside of it for the past few hours, prior to finally putting it down and wasting my time away on this damn computer. The best part about the book is that it's written like any other completely serious textbook or self-help book. Except it's all about surviving the zombie onslaught. What else? A bunch of pajama pants, a really kick ass Ramones beanie, a Spider-Man lamp (I'm not even kidding, yes I now have a Spider-Man lamp), a memory card for my digital camera, and Christmas cash which is pretty much already spent. All in all, I'd say that I made out like a bandit. |
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| Friday, December 23rd, 2005 |
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This is the funniest thing I've seen in a long, long time. I can't get enough of it. LAZY SUNDAY! An SNL digital short. Just another early Christmas present from me to you. |
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| Thursday, December 22nd, 2005 |
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I just got my grades for the Fall semester. BIO100 - B+ COM303 - A COM390 - A ECO103 - A FRE201 - A I came so fucking close to a 4.0 that it literally hurts to see that B+ for Biology in that list. Damn it. I knew I was going to get no higher than a B+ though, because I totally fucked up the 3rd test of the semester. That's my own fault, instead of studying for the test I was hanging out with a stupid girl all night long. It's funny how the fairer sex is always my downfall. But seriously, I'm amazed that my grades are this good because I didn't even feel like I was doing my best this semester. Half the time I felt so damn overloaded with work. Between taking five classes, working as an editor on the school newspaper and working 25 hours a week at the good old BK Lounge, I barely had time for myself. I'm pretty stoked on the fact that I somehow managed to pull of 4 A's despite all of that. Enough rambling, I'm going to go and watch the Sabres win yet again. Later. |
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| Wednesday, December 21st, 2005 |
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Nothing Nice To Say is easily my favorite online comic strip, considering it combines the things I love the most. It's a delightful blend punk music/culture and a comic geek mentality. Here are three examples of why I love "Nothing Nice" so damn much.   Good stuff. Consider it my early Christmas present to you. |
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| Tuesday, December 20th, 2005 |
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Holy crap. Talk about a long hiatus. I'm alive and well, fellow deadjournalers. Ok, so I'm not really all that "well" unless you consider sitting up at 4:50 in the morning, rambling in an online journal and downloading porn to be well, but then again that should be no surprise. Life has been busy. I'm almost done with college, one more semester left to go. I'm working as the entertainment editor of the campus newspaper. I've freelanced some stories for a few local papers. I've done some random work for a few Web sites, including an upcoming interview with a rad band from Florida called New Mexican Disaster Squad (who recently signed to Jade Tree Records) for a independent music web zine. All of the extra stuff I'm doing doesn't bring me much, if any, cash flow but it sure does help in the experience department. The love life, as always, is a clusterfuck of confusion. I'm not even going to get into it right now because so much has happened since the last time I wrote in here and I'm not even about to re-live most of those memories. It would get ugly, I promise you that. For more of my escapades, check me out on Myspace. Until next time, behave yourself. And have a happy holiday. |
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| Friday, August 6th, 2004 |
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I've had a good few days now, and for the most part I've been in a real chipper mood. At the same time, I just feel this big black fucking cloud that is looming over my head. It's always in the back of my mind and it bothers me that I can't put it outside of my thoughts. One week ago tonight, everything totally changed. I still can't believe it, no matter how much I replay those moments over and over again. It just seemed like a fucking dream. The whole weekend starting last Thursday night and going all the way up until Sunday afternoon when she went back to Pittsburgh. It just seems unreal to me. She told me things like how the last time she felt truly happy was when we were together. Those were the words I'd spent so many nights dreaming about. She told me how much she missed me and how she wished she never fucked it all up. She couldn't stop hugging me, or touching my face, or making sure that she followed behind every step that I took. It almost felt like it was last summer all over again for a minute. We spent hours upon hours over the weekend, talking and laughing and remembering the good old days and setting everything straight. It was great. Beyond great. I never could have imagined it being as great as it was. But of course, she leaves me with the words "I might come back home, for good. I'm not sure." And it's haunting me. It's hanging over my head. I want nothing more, but I have no say in the matter at all. She promised me that she wouldn't drop off the face of the earth again, but I know from experience that keeping in touch with that girl just doesn't happen too easily. We've talked on and off since she's been back, but I've heard nothing from her in the past couple of days and that sort of makes me frown. And I can't believe that I just actually wrote that it "sort of makes me frown." Today was her birthday. I left her voicemail. I wonder if she appreciated it. On the brighter side of things, I've been to a few awesome shows in the past week. First off was the adventure to Detoit to see The Lawrence Arms, that was just amazing. They're the best thing going and no band comes close to bringing out whatever they bring out in me. Tonight, I went to see Scraps and Heart Attacks, The Backup Plan, and Where Eagles Dare at Access. That was a good time, even if I can't say that I'm a huge fan of shows at that place. It's too damn small and there's no room at all to dance or move around. But whatever, it was still a good show. The Backup Plan are quickly climbing to the top of my list of truly great new bands. All right. I'm out of here. |
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| Monday, August 2nd, 2004 |
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To say that this past weekend has been insane would be a serious understatement. I'm really not in the mood to get into it all at the moment, because shit is beyond complicated. Let's just say that the love of my life came through like a tornado and whipped everything into a frenzy. I never in a million years would have expected any of this to happen. It's all felt like some sort of fucked up dream that I'm due to wake up from any second now. Oh Amy Kirst, please tell me that this is all real. You don't know what you've done to me. Now she's gone again, but for how long? That is the question which will continue to eat me up inside for some time. I have no idea when the answer will come to me, or what it'll be. All I can do is sit here and patiently sigh. Tomorrow, I go to Detroit to rock the fuck out with The Lawrence Arms. That will rule. |
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| Thursday, July 29th, 2004 |
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there was a time and a place that was all full of mistakes and a face that was all full of shit i was frustrated and angry i was more than alive, a catcher in the rye i was a jet plane, a thin membrane washing and preening and shedding all hope i'm hot shots part deux, i'm down periscope the rope that i'm hanging from keeps telling me what to do i'm pissing on the fire and learning a remarkable truth about you ugly is ugly, transformation is a dream so love what you are, not what you would like to be i'm a drunk with a job, i got the pictures to prove it i got some junk in my trunk and the dance moves to move it i am written on the subway walls i am bitter when i fall shout in me in the streets and parks scrape your voices on the stars That tune right there is called "The Disaster March" and it's by a mighty fucking awesome band known as The Lawrence Arms. This is the same mighty fucking awesome band that I'll be traveling to Detroit to see live on Monday night. I'm going to see them and visit my ex-girlfriend Sarah who's down there for 3 months for her job. She's buying my ticket for the show and giving me a free place to crash. Aside from the ex-girlfriend weirdness, it should be a totally fucking amazing time. I'm so stoked, this has to happen. I need an adventure. I've slacked on DJ for the past week. I apologize. So what have I been up to? Well, I've been doing the same old stuff. Working a lot, hanging out with friends, getting drunk and being a slut. I'm not kidding about the being a slut thing either, but I don't wanna get into it now. All in all, things have been pretty good for the most part and it only appears that they'll be getting better. If everything goes as planned, August is going to be one awesome month. It should be a damn good month to end the summer before that whole school thing starts again. For now, I'm going to sleep. I'm dead tired. |
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| Friday, July 23rd, 2004 |
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It's not a suprise at all. Whatever was going on with Jaded is al over. Her little picture perfect illusion of whatever we had got shattered and she couldn't handle it. I think it all started when I went out with my friends last Friday instead of doing something with her. From that point on, she was totally weird and she pretty much ignored me. The other day she finally sent me a text message, of all things, telling me how she couldn't handle the situation and how she never saw me and a bunch of crap like that. I should have seen it coming, she handled the situation the same way she did a few years back when we went out for the second time. That girl hasn't changed a bit. The only thing that really pisses me off is how she handed the whole thing. #1, you're 23 years old: act like it. Don't play the silent treatment game when you're upset at me. Let me know why, so we can work it out. #2, if you're going to air your grievances to me, then at least have the decency to do it either face to face or on the phone. I hate when girls want to tell me things like that through text messages, or instant messages, or e-mails. That's such a fucking impersonal way of dealing with your problems. #3, I saw her at least three and sometimes four times a week. I would sleep at her house usually every Tuesday and Thursday night and she'd crash here on the weekends. If that's not seeing me enough, then I don't want to know what is. I do need time to work and spend with my friends. I'm not going to just blow everything off to hang out with her every single fucking moment of my life. I also just don't understand how she gets upset with me once and decides to just throw it all away instead of working things out. Seems like she gave up a little too easily, but then again that's the way she has always been. It doesn't really matter that much. In fact, it's probably better off for me in the long run that things came to an end. I don't have to worry about the whole kid thing anymore, and she is still in the process of getting divorced. It was a fucked up situation from the start. I'm just sorta bummed out because now there's no girl in my life at the moment. That's not a big deal though, I'm sure I'll find someone new eventually. School does start in a little over a month. I drank far too much last night. And tonight is Kenny's party. I sense a long weekend of drinking and good times. I have to take a shower and go to work. Lame. Have a good one. |
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| Tuesday, July 20th, 2004 |
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My dad is making tacos now, so I'll make this quick. Yesterday I finally saw Streetlight Manifesto, and it was one of the best shows ever. They lived up to all of the hype I've heard over their live show. It was fucking so much fun. They played for over an hour, and nailed just about every single song on their album. They also played a cover of The Suicide Machines, "Hey", which was sweet. They were so tight and the crowd was nuts. Mohawk Place is rather small, and it was totally packed. Seriously, just such a fucking good time. I haven't seen or talked to Jaded in almost a week. I don't really know why. I think she's kinda pissed at me because I didn't hang out with her this weekend. She wanted to do something on Friday, but I made plans to go to this party with a few of my friends. I told her that I might call her up if we went to Denny's, but I never did. We didn't end up leaving the party until like 3 in the morning, and I wasn't about to call her up then to go to Denny's with us. Oh well. Since then, she's barely sent me any texts and she always used to send me a ton of them. We haven't talked much at all, in fact I can't really remember talking to her. I'm sure it's nothing big and it'll blow over, but it's just a fine example of why I'm not looking to get involved with her, or anyone really. I don't need that kind of silly drama. If I want to hang out with my friends, I'm going to, regardless of if she gets upset about it or not. Anyways, tacos are about done. I'm off to eat. |
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| Friday, July 16th, 2004 |
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Don't fret children, I've calmed down over the past few days. There aren't too many things that are annoying me as of late. The one major thing that is bothering me is just the crappy weather we've been having here for the past two days. It's barely stopped raining for more than a half an hour in the past 48 hours. This shit is pretty depressing and it definitely sucks out the will to do anything. Take today for example. Work was super slow, so I left an hour early. I came home and ended up just crashing in bed and sleeping from about 10 PM until 3 AM. When it's dreary and rainy like it has been, the only thing I ever really want to do is just sleep. I suppose my slumber had something do with going out last night for my friend Ray's birthday. That was a damn good time. We went to this weird hippie bar called Faso's and got wasted. His cousin was the bartender there, so she just kept feeding him free drinks all night. It was great times. They had an open mic thing where people could bring their instruments and play a few songs. A few old friends from high school showed up and played a short little set of punk rock cover songs. That was fun. They made my drunk ass get up on the stage and sing "Blitzkreig Bop" with them. It was a silly time for sure. Jaded came up and celebrated with us, and I ended up back at her place afterwards. Needless to say, it was a long night and I didn't end up getting to sleep until after 5 AM, and then we had to wake up shortly after 7 because she had to go to work. Poor girl had to work all day on like two hours of sleep. After she went to work, I came home and napped for a few more hours and then I had to go to work. At least I got paid today. Now I have money to waste on the unimportant stuff like comic books, cds, and alcohol. I work straight though until Monday. That sucks. All right. I'm going to try and fall asleep again. |
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| Wednesday, July 14th, 2004 |
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Today was one of those days where every single thing fucking annoyed me. I've noticed that I seem to be having more and more of those days lately. I'm not too sure why, but I feel like so much crap is just getting on my nerves these days. Like today for instance, it was all just stupid little shit but it just seemed to be one thing after another. First thing, I hate when people try to ask me questions or talk to me when I just wake up. I need to be left alone for like, the first fifteen minutes that I'm awake. My brain cannot process information yet and I get pissed off when people try and talk to me. Sometimes, they just don't get it though. A fine example of this happened today. I seriously woke up, walked out of my bedroom, took a piss, and was then immediately bombarded by my mother. She was asking me if I was going to be home tomorrow morning, because apparently my dad was going to need to use my car to take my brother somewhere at like 9 AM. Fucking cripes, I just woke up to face this day. I'm not even close to thinking about tomorrow morning yet. Then she starts asking me what I'm doing today and whatnot and it just annoyed the hell out of me. I answered with a simple "I don't know" and walked away to have my morning cigarette. The next thing that bugs me, is realizing that my dad needs to use my car to take my brother somewhere. That's just fucked up. My brother is going to be 22 years old. The kid has totalled three cars in the past three years, including flipping the most recent one and somehow walking away from it without any sort of injury at all. But more on him in a minute. This bugs me, simply because now I have to make sure I'm home in the morning so my dad can use my car. That means I wouldn't be able to sleep at Jaded's place tonight like I was thinking of. When she called me and asked me to come and stay over tonight, I had to say no because I had to make sure the fucking car was at home in the morning. That's just really really lame. Sometimes, I wish my dad would just go out and get a shitty car for the simple reason that he always takes mine whenever he needs to go somewhere. It's not often, but it happens enough to warrant getting his own piece of shit car to use when he needs. My mom always has the car at work in the mornings, so he's always stuck at home all day long until she comes back from work. If he had his own ride, then he wouldn't have to worry about that. Onto my brother, who was getting on my nerves today as well. Like I said before, he's going to be 22 years old in a little over one month. He has not had a job in about six months. He doesn't have a car. He isn't in college and he doesn't plan on going anytime soon. He just sits around the house all day long and relies on my parents and his girlfriend to do everything for him. It's bullshit. I know I'd never ever be able to get away with that kind of shit. If I wasn't working, there's no way that my parents would help pay my bills for me. Sometimes he gets unemployment checks, but when he does get them he usually just blows most of them on buying pot and other stupid crap that he doesn't need. When I took off two years between high school and college, my dad threatened to kick me out of the house if I wasn't in school by the time I was 21. I was working that whole fucking time though, and I never ever asked my parents for money. I can't remember the last time I asked to borrow money from my mom or dad. My brother isn't working, isn't in school, and yet my parents never put any pressure on him to do anything. Yes, he's bi-polar. Yes, he's on medication. But it's still just not fair at all that he greats treated like that when I know that I'd get shit if I slacked off like he does. The last big thing that bugged me today was talking to Jaded. I made it pretty clear to her that I'm not really trying to turn whatever is going on between us into anything serious. I like to hang out with her, and we have good times together. But she sometimes just takes it too far and it's starting to bug me. She constantly sends me text messages and wants to hang out like every single day. I like to spend time with her, but I don't really want to hang out with anyone every single day whenever I have free time. I like to have some time for myself. She got all bummed and weird tonight when I told her that I couldn't come and sleep over. It made me feel kinda shitty, especially considering that the situation was more or less out of my hands. I don't know. I just don't want to get involved in some serious relationship at the moment, and I'm starting to think that she doesn't realize that. It might be time to have another conversation with her about what's going on with us, because I think we're on different wavelengths. All right. I'm done bitching and complaining. |
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late nights and bloodshot eyes.
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accomplished.
pessimistic.
exhausted.
confused.
excited.
thoughtful.
nerdy.
silly.
content.
thirsty.
okay.
irritated.